maudy's journal

Usually I don't like to write about my struggling when I am still in it. Not even a hint. For me it's just too hard and I don't want to make people worry. But now, I just want to share what I feel about these days.

I feel like I am in the gorge of fear and nervousness. I don't know why God wants me to take a detour, the longer way than what it should be. I can't blame anyone but myself.

This morning, when I was thinking and feeling blue, I remembered the conversation between my seven-year-old niece and I. I liked to correct her for what she did. Sometimes I looked too harsh to her when she did something unpleasing. Sometimes I asked her to do what she had to do like put the candy wrap in the trash can; sit properly with legs on the floor, not on the chair; open the car door carefully so the door didn't hit other car; and many more. I knew she wasn't always happy with my correcting, although I always gave explanation why she can't do certain things. Some of the things are not about right or wrong, it's about being a better girl that can give positive influence to people surround her. One day when I was driving and she was the only passenger, I had chance to talk privately to her about why I liked to correct or sometimes rebuke her. I said that I did that because I care about her. I explained that I wouldn't care to correct random people' kids behavior.

I know this time too, God has reason for me to make me do what I don't like. He wants me to learn something!

Our excitement about my parent's visit of course made us to do something 'unusual' in our daily life. Yet, I tried to make our life as normal as possible, so they could experience our life.

Dad is a barely-goes-to-kitchen type of guy. Unlike mom's family, dad is from a family that wouldn't let guy do chores. Living here in this country is quite different. Guy and girl pretty much have similar portion in doing housework. So when dad was here, seeing his little girl worked so hard, sweaty and dirty cleaning and running around to keep her house good looking, his heart melted. Hihi... He helped me vacuuming, cutting the carrot and mopping. Mom and I laughed out loud when he was doing that.

One fine afternoon, dad helped me also kneading the dough. He said he used to help my grandma kneading the bread when he was little. The dough turn to a sweet-scrumptious bread. We ate that bread with pride, because that was a dad-daughter love bread.

When I went home last year, I didn't feel the pressure of going back to the US at certain time. I extended my vacation and were ready to extend more until my mom reminded me that my hubby was waiting for me. Hihi... After I got here in the US that time, I didn't have any vision what would happen the next day, week or month. Unlike that time, I have something to catch now. Yes! I am a scholar.

Today was the first day of orientation. I took a speak test, had my student-ID card made, paid my tuition, and met my professor to discuss about the classes. The campus' buildings clutter in a big hilly area. Although there are buses that go around campus, it's faster to walk. In the afternoon, I felt dizzy and realized that my legs were sore. It must have been that long hike. Ok, I am exaggerating. I'll be ok once I am used to it.

Besides my excitement like a kid with her new crayons, I feel weird, anxious and uncomfortable too. Changing always shrinks me. I wish I could be like hubby, who's only excited about something new. I'll get new friends, new experiences, new knowledge, new obstacles, new........

By only one day on the new schedule, I could tell that out habit has changed. I was too tired tonight and hubby kindly offered to cook for dinner. I know I can't cook and bake as much as I did before; and I have to manage the best way to maintain our food is well prepared and healthy.

I'll be fine, won't it?

Yes, I got here at my other home safe and sound. The flight was fine and on time. I am still debating what seat is the best for a single traveler. Sitting on a window seat is nice and good to rest my head on the wall, but hard to go to the rest room; and by sitting on aisle seat, I have to let people disturb me when they need to go to the rest room. So, for my 11.5-hours flight, I picked the emergency-exit seat. It was ok.

Hubby is so happy to have me back. I am too. But... for some reason... I have weird feeling everytime I get back from home. There are many people and there's always something going on at home. Last time I didn't have time to meet my uncles' family; and my phone credit decreased so fast because I needed to communicate with many people. While here sometimes with only two of us I feel lonely and too quiet. Calling with cell phone is free here after nine or on weekend, but it's not useful for me. I miss the art of having family, relatives, and friends.

I left home a day before my grandma's 888 birthday, but the celebration is on the 9th. She is 85 now. I made her a birthday cake last year. This year I picked the birthday cake for her from a bakery. Mom said the cake was pretty, and the party was great. Hubby and I celebrated her birthday too this morning, by eating ramen noodle. Hihi...

Anyway, I am happy to be here, back to the cozy stone house. I just finished cleaning the house, and hubby is still mowing. Have a great weekend!

Yesterday was my usual-hectic last-day. Finishing never ending packing, burning pictures to CDs (that's always at the very last minutes) , trying to eat whatever I can't find in the US that's available at home, getting phone calls and messages from family and friends, and at the very very last second trying to keep concentrating putting stuffs together while my dad impatiently shouting to hurry me to go inside the car because I am always late according to his standard

My uncles, aunts, nieces and brother were already at the airport when we got there. Mom went with me to Jakarta and went back with the first flight the next morning so she could work afterward. It must be so tiring for her. Thanks mom. My sister and her hubby met us at the airport and waited until almost boarding time. I am so spoiled, am I?

Now I am in Japan, 16.5 hours before meeting hubby. He will pick me up in Nashville, about 2.5 hours from Knoxville. Holiday is almost over. The future is coming. Don't know when I can be back again. Thanks God for my joyful-blessed holiday.